Name on it - by Julian Nesbitt
hooooooo. huuuuuuuu. I imagine that leatherback sea turtle I had the privilege of being near in Costa Rica. Holding the plastic bag underneath her as her eggs came out one by one. All with the heavy, labored breathing. I don't know why I found that to be the most memorable moment of all these science trips over the years. Everything in me wanted to climb on that leviathan of a creature's shell and feel myself move up and down with her breathing. The moon above us, lighting the beach below on one side. The trees on the other. Up, down, sweat trickling down, in, out. Feeling and caressing the surface of the shell. Holding on with a firm grip. Maybe even for dear life.
I did this with James five years later in the back of his car. Of course the context and my motivations were quite different from the turtle. The moon and the ocean were there, but we had to move on to other cars in a parking lot as our background when an officer tapped on our window and said "go home". I try to not dwell too much on what worse versions of this scenario would look like. An older white man of authority knocking on the window of a car in a closed area with two black boys hooking up inside. James noticed him first and did his best to hide me, so maybe the officer thought I was a girl. Guess you could say that night I got lucky twice.
Even without that incident, that night with James was one of the most unique nights of my life to say the least. True, I had to do the most to get from San Jose to Monterey and finally feel the way my straight friends could feel any time they wanted at school, no questions asked. But ultimately, it was worth it and necessary.
Ariana Grande's smooth sultry whispery vocals featured on Nicki Minaj's "Bed". I didn't know the song at the time, but now, after a Nicki Minaj music epiphany this year, I add that song's melody to my memories of that night in Monterey. The beats that emulate a night in the tropics, for me it's specifically the ones in Costa Rica, Cuba, Brazil, or Polynesia, let the song invade my memories of the sea turtle as well. The song just lets me feel myself in the space I strive to be in more often. Mellow, but energized. Ethereal, but still connected to my grounded, earthy self.
As Nicki mentions in one of her verses that she could've put Zayn's name on it, James put my name on his car that Monterey night. The beach setting had me thinking of the scene in Moonlight, you know which one I'm talking about. It had me wondering if this is a common experience for black boys like me, James, and Jharrel Jerome and Ashton Sanders' characters to have those sensual evenings by the water. Is it because college dorm rooms aren't always the most private or safe places for boys like us? Or is there a, dare I say it, sacredness, to us, that gives us first dibs to the moon and the ocean as our backdrop. It certainly was one of the most relaxing, weightless, secure, peaceful, refreshing, satisfying, rewarding, and seemingly destined experiences in all of my four years at college.
As I now look back on that night from two years ago: some guilt for kind of essentially leaving him hanging due to some of my circumstances, longing for that kind of nurturing that's not frequent for me, and gratefulness that all of that could've happened to begin with, I kick myself for not being in this state of looseness, inner freedom, and appreciation of my vessel, which I gained this year, back then for those moments with James. Would things've gotten even better for the two of us? "Bed" has played a huge part in me embracing all of these aforementioned good feelings in 2021. The song came out a year before I first connected with James, so could the seeds of my epiphany have been planted that whole time? Would I have been able to have more experiences like that with James, or just more Jameses, earlier on? I know you can't change the past and it's better for me to not dwell on it too long, but still. The breathing choreography and imagery I came up with to this song, that could've taken us to a whole new level. James put my name on it, and I could've traced over it with some really special cursive.