Diary of a Queer Woman During COVID-19

By Mayuri Deka, Guwahati, India

For the first few days when the lockdown started, I didn’t know what to do. I was at home and didn’t have any work to do because I had resigned from my job.

I started ruminating on my former days as an engineering student. My hostel life was very hard and full of unhappy events. I locked myself in my room, because being a lesbian ten years ago was uncommon, in India. I was in a small town where people were extremely homophobic.

I came out about three years back. My family and friends know about my identity, and thankfully they have accepted me. But for almost 25 years, I had struggled with my identity. During the stay at home order, all of it came back, the anxiety and the trauma, and I had no strategy to deal with it.

I discussed my feelings with a friend. Thankfully, I’m in a very safe space during the lockdown, but I know there are people who are stuck with homophobic parents, roommates, and landlords. My friend and I thought, “Let us start a virtual support group.”

So we started “Queer Adda.” ‘Adda’ means an informal conversation between friends, in Assamese. We held our first online support meeting a few weeks ago. It was really exciting. We had around 13 people, and four of them came out for the first time in front of a larger group.

After a session is over, people text things like, “You don’t know what you have done for me. For the first time, I am so happy and confident.” Some of them have said, “I understand now why I’m here, how I can shape myself.” All of this has made me feel happy too. We are sharing stories and struggles, and it helps me deal with my own trauma.

In this lockdown, for the first time, I have also talked to my partner and opened up about abuses I faced as a child, and as a teenager. After talking about this trauma with her, I felt relieved. I started writing about it, and I have opened a YouTube channel where I share my stories of struggle through poetry. I can reach more community people in need, through it. I feel that talking about LGBTQ topics brings more visibility, and with visibility comes acceptance.

After the lockdown is over, I know there is something positive I can do. People in my village do not have access to much. My friend and I are discussing how to reach those in need of support. I have now been able to do things that really matter, for people and for the community. Why shouldn’t I dream big?