How Are You?

By Carolann Dong, San Jose, California, U.S.

“Hey, what if we never see each other again?” I ask my friend while we walked home from school. 



She laughs at the absurdity. I laugh with her. I check my phone: I have 11 unread texts.
 It’s March 13th, 2020, and though we didn’t know it, it was the last time we would see each other in person.

It’s May 26th 2020. I haven’t been in a store or seen that friend. My hair is a half foot longer, and I’m down to my last two pair of contact lens; I’ll have to start wearing my glasses soon. I pick up my phone. I should call her, ask her how she’s doing, tell her about my new obsession with podcasts, confess that I miss her company, that I miss our talks, our laughter, but I don’t. I want her to call me first. I set the phone down; I have five unread texts.

It’s August 10th 2020. I’m trying on a new pair of jeans. They smell like hand sanitizer, the kind that my mom uses to wipe down anything we purchase online. I’m unmotivated. I’m tired. I’m lonely. I don’t want to reach out to my friend anymore, but I find myself picking up the phone. 



I type, “What’s your schedule like this year? What teachers do you have?”

The messages sit in the text box, the cursor blinking for seven minutes, before I delete them, one character at a time. I convince myself that I don’t care that we haven’t talked since March. I set the phone down; I have two unread texts.

Now, it’s March 18th, 2021. The nation is falling apart. I’m stressed and tired, and I’m still lonely. Before the pandemic, I’d see my friend every weekend, even outside of school: at spontaneous restaurant hangouts, or when we delivered coffee to each other’s door, or when we cried during allegedly “happy” movies at the theaters and embarrassed ourselves in front of the staff. I haven’t talked to her in a year. I check my phone: I have one unread text. It’s from my mom.

It says, “Open your window. It’s a nice day today.”

I laugh at the irony.

The truth: I’ve lost a myriad of friends during the pandemic. Although I reach out to check on their well-being periodically, I receive no replies other than a rare thumbs-up emoji. I try to be empathetic, patient, and understanding. My mind swirls, eddies of thought crashing against each other, trying to come up with arbitrary reasons. They probably have bigger problems … our friendship is over … they simply don’t care enough to communicate. How can I cure loneliness during the pandemic? With friends? I don’t seem to have many of those anymore. Am I disposable?

To this day, I do not have an answer, but I check my phone: I have zero unread messages.