Immunocompromised

By Ryan Stewart, Richardson, Texas, U.S.

February of 2020 was the first time I caught an illness in a long streak of diseases and infections that continues to this day. I first contracted MRSA from a hospital … then it was mononucleosis … then seemingly random new allergies to my environment and medication. This was the start of me finding out I was immunocompromised. Of course, during a global pandemic.

My therapist said it best: "You hated 2020 before it was cool."

2020 held other surprises for me, too. My mental health deteriorated slowly, then rapidly, as I hit adulthood. I got diagnosed with a personality disorder after I sought help in a last-ditch effort to keep living. As overwhelming as that was, it opened the pathway to specialized therapy and medication that I've interacted well with.

The dread of knowing that if I get sick again, I will enter a depressive episode due to the excessive and unrelenting fatigue I've felt throughout this past year, horrifies me. Feeling trapped– and genuinely trapped– in your own body is a uniquely horrifying experience.

Three weeks ago, I got very sick. I had been coughing up mucus for the past two months, but the mucus got thicker and appeared more frequently. I noticed my MRSA seemed to be back, too. I went to see my doctor and got a prescription for antibiotics, for a sinus infection and the MRSA. I asked my parents to pick up my prescription for me, since I live much further away from the pharmacy than they do. I went to pick up the medicine the next day when I had energy, only to be told that one of my parents had tested positive AND negative for COVID-19 in the same day. I was not told until I’d spent 30 minutes speaking with them face-to-face.

I noticed my symptoms started to improve, but then got worse. A few days later, the fatigue began to overwhelm me. My symptoms overlapped perfectly with COVID-19 and the flu, but mainly COVID-19.

Three weeks later, I’m here, still alive, despite my anxiety telling me that I could die by the carelessness of others. It was difficult to breathe, work, or do any of my daily activities, but I’m starting to (really) feel better now.

And three days ago, I was able to get my second dose of the Moderna vaccine. The side-effects are mostly gone, and I’m feeling quite a bit more energetic.

Getting the vaccine gave me hope that I won’t catch COVID-19 again, assuming that’s what I just had. I’m starting to feel healthy enough to finally see an immunologist and get more tests done to determine what exactly is wrong with my health. The deep hopelessness I felt at the beginning of 2020 is overshadowed by my having overcome the very challenges that made me hopeless in the first place.

I might be tired, but I’m proud and hopeful more than anything else.