Light at the End of the Tunnel

By Katherine Serrano, Richardson, Texas, U.S.

To be honest, in the beginning, I didn't complain about being isolated and everything transferring to online. If anything, I felt blessed and glad that all classes and everything else would be virtual. I was relieved, because I felt like I finally had an opportunity to go to school and work full-time. Also, even though I work an 8 am to 5 pm job, we were given permission to work from home too, so my commute was drastically diminished to 0 minutes. Side note, driving gives me a lot of anxiety and drains me of energy, so I felt like this crisis was a bit of a blessing in disguise for me personally, because I didn't have to drive anywhere for a long time. I got to keep my job and become a student at the University of Texas at Dallas, like I had been planning for five years. I felt that I was taking advantage of this crisis and getting ahead in my degree while still being able to keep a roof over my head.

In the beginning, I didn't feel isolated because I live with my significant other and was able to use technology and Facetime to keep in touch with my family and friends and even made new friends on Discord. I accomplished a few goals, picked up an instrument, re-started therapy again virtually, started feeling creative, learned to dye my own hair into crazy colors, and began learning a new language.

But around September or October, 2020, I started to feel the effects of the isolation and of the virus itself. I'm a very introverted person and don't need a lot of social interaction to function, so I was really surprised to find that I actually missed being around people, and dancing, and having a meal with my friends and family. Eventually, I started to feel guilty for ever feeling like I was gaining anything or accomplishing goals in the middle of this crisis. I started to feel naïve to think that I could ever take this pandemic "by the horns" and believe that I could thrive amidst the tragedy and chaos. People in my circle, friends and family, were being hospitalized because of the virus, and I couldn't hide anymore from the negative effects of the pandemic in the end.

And now, here we are, in the spring of 2021. I’m mentally stressed and emotionally drained but trying my best nonetheless. I'm still managing the disappointment that I have in myself for not accomplishing all the goals I had set out to do by the end of the pandemic. I just don't have the will, energy, or motivation to do much anymore. My depression has taken over. I always thought that if I had the time, I would be able to do everything creative that I ever wanted to do, and more. Through this crisis, I realized that it doesn't really matter if I have the time or not; if I don't have motivation behind it, nothing will be accomplished.

But I'm learning to be compassionate towards myself and give myself and others leeway during this trying time. I hope everyone also gives themselves a little slack during this pandemic, because we all need as much compassion and hope as we can get, to get us to the light at the end of the tunnel.