A Reminder to Self, by Rashmi Saha, Kolkata

Born in Jharkhand, raised in Uttar Pradesh, Madhya Pradesh, Maharastra, and the National Capital Region, and currently residing in Ranchi, Jharkhand, Rashmi is a civil engineer by education, a life coach by profession, a social reformer by heart, a traveler by passion, and a poet and vlogger by interest– someone who believes in living life to its fullest. 

Men don’t cry …

Do they? 

Oh yes, they do. 

They just don't often have people who will listen to them without judgement. 

Being one such soul in my circle, I have heard, comforted, and healed many. And during these times, the stories that I have come across have made me even stronger. 

I still can't forget the evening when, after I had connected as a guest to a webinar on mental health awareness, one of the participants reached out to me. In his words, he was “stuck with his wife.” They had been fighting terribly for a month now, and he was losing hope of surviving. He told me they had been unhappy in their marriage and were dating different people under mutual understanding, but now, as they were trapped at home, his wife had become super aggressive and was torturing him emotionally, for no good reason.

“It keeps breaking me,” he said.

I listened to his story and also got to know that he was going through some professional problems and might end up losing his job. To make things worse for him, his mother, who was living by herself in a different city, wasn't keeping great. And he couldn't meet her, due to the lockdown.

I felt I had no words for him, as I was deeply saddened, but the responsibility I have as a life coach made me do what I was supposed to. I listened patiently, told him that I heard him, and suggested that he talk to his wife like a friend, to try to reach common ground for a peaceful survival during this difficult time.

Not only him, there was R, and A, and S, who live miles away from their lands and families. In the past, they had been happy whenever I spoke to them or met them. But this time, they were not. They were lonely, scared. The constant news and discussion about COVID-19 made things worse for them. Some even gave up on the idea that they would ever see the same happy family they had left last time.

I had to be a friend, a good friend who was the strongest one, to calm and heal them.

As a complete contradiction, a few days later, it was in the middle of the night that I heard a women shouting and screaming in pain, and a man's voice abusing her in every word we have always dreaded. I felt helpless, and I cried! I waited, wide awake, for the morning, praying all night not to hear anything unpleasant. Thankfully, there was no such news.

I had to be strong, and I was ... But there was something happening beyond my understanding. I, the woman who had been a support to so many in different situations, acted like a baby when my own sister was allotted her duties as a doctor, during these COVID-19 times. 

I questioned myself, I analyzed myself. Unlike everyone who had reached out to me, I couldn't even reach out to anyone, to share what I was going through. I feared not being understood, being judged, being forced to listen to suggestions. I didn't want that. 

This went on for a week, and I had to take charge, as I have always done. I looked into the stories of all the soldiers who have been protecting our lives selflessly and have been immensely supported by their families. I’m not sure if the comparison was right, but that was the only thought that crossed my mind to bring me back to my stronger version.

I took a pause, calmed myself down, and tried to be back with all the strength I should have had for my family, for the people who look up to me, and most importantly, for me. Once again, I reminded myself to accept the fact that I have all rights to feel what I have felt. That even with all the responsibility I have to others, as a healer, my first responsibility is to myself. Just a gentle reminder to myself, it was. 

(This story was prepared for an “Imagine Another World” online storytelling workshop held October 16, 2020.)

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