Slowing Down, by Sharmi Chakraborty, Kolkata
Born, raised, and currently living in Kolkata, West Bengal, Sharmi is a vocalist composer who strives to pursue good art.
I was heavily engrossed with life, at least that’s what it seemed to me. Being a musician, I was apparently following my ‘calling.’ And people say that following your passion is one of the coolest things to do in life, so I was acting all cool.
But believe me, I wasn’t feeling the ecstasy of doing music anymore. Yes, a part of me was certainly performing in the gigs or spending hours in the recording studio to perfect that ‘take,’ but so often, it felt like something labored. I knew it for sure the WHOLE of me was not there. It had been quite a while that I remained only half alive, simply lamenting over my past. This sense of misery started looming so large that I couldn’t see anything very clearly, anymore.
And then the pandemic happened.
However unintended, we had to pause for a while. Life suddenly became so strange and so unfamiliar. Terms like lockdown, quarantine, and social distancing have become the common parlance. Every day, the news of the rapidly-growing number of infected people made it all worse.
During one secluded moment, I was sitting in the corner of my room, amid the darkness, and thinking about my life. There was no such bliss of solitude. I was feeling lonely and depressed– anxious about my uncertain, outcasted future and the monumental pressure of dealing with it. I was scared about life in general; COVID was just another strong stimulant to act upon.
I don’t remember how long I sat there, sobbing relentlessly and praying to God, something which is very unlike me. Slowly, a sense of calmness, a sense of belongingness, started embracing me. This was all very surreal. Strange, but a very strong sense of something which I had never experienced before. Awakening? Maybe! I was no longer the dejected soul begging for the attention to the world; suddenly the world felt like a part of my being. I was still crying, but this time, they were tears of joy.
The next day, I found myself writing to a very dear, old friend of mine, with whom I had wiped out every remote possibility of ever being together again. To my utter disbelief, he answered me normally and cordially, welcoming me back with open arms into his life, once again.
I quit social media. I was never an addict, but the habit of making a compulsive, regular attendance and the resultant negativity had taken a serious toll on me. Suddenly, that overpowering urge to impress others, at the expense of my health, was no longer there. Since the going out time was minimal, I found myself deepening my bond with my lifeline– my mother– by having earnest conversations, sharing COVID updates, watching movies together, or simply trying out new, sensational recipes from YouTube. After ages, we were bonding, in the truest sense.
I was always a seeker, but never before this pandemic had I taken my spiritual journey so sincerely. This much-needed interval had actually compelled me to look inward, made me realize that every outward experience and emotion is actually happening within me, and life is way bigger than all our existential crises put together.
COVID has actually strengthened my bond with myself. Meditating on a regular basis and leading a disciplined life have now become an absolute reality for me. And music, which seemed so distant even a few months ago, started again feeling like my ultimate love affair. The slowing down in the time of the pandemic has become the biggest calling of my life, in recent times!
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(This story was prepared for an “Imagine Another World” online storytelling workshop held December 12, 2020.)
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