Disconnected, Unattached

By Ann S., Central Valley, California, U.S.

I adopted my daughter at age six from the foster care system. She came to me with reactive attachment disorder. She’s 20 now. Being a mother to someone with attachment disorder really feels disconnected and scary. She spent a lot of time running away when she became an adolescent, and some horrible things happened to her. I wanted to be able to be her mom, but she wouldn’t let me be her mom. She pushed me away, and that was really hard.

Now she’s in a coronavirus hotspot, where the numbers are going up really badly. Her communication with me continues to be erratic. I’m trying to reach out to her and be her safe space, but being rejected repeatedly is so profound– I feel deeply grief stricken at not being allowed to be her mother, by her not allowing it.

I understand that it’s because her brain developed differently due to the trauma that she experienced when she was so very young, before age three. I know it’s not personal, that she’s not able to let me be in her life and take care of her and protect her, but it’s so tough to just bear witness and see someone out there struggling and putting themselves in danger, and not being able to wrap them in your arms.

It’s a huge sense of loss. It’s like a living miscarriage.

With needing to isolate due to COVID-19, it just feels like the outer world is echoing my inner world. In a way, it feels like I’m being validated. I feel more connected with people in some ways, because they’re now going through what I’ve been going through for years: that sense of not being attached.