Stuck Inside Myself

By Shonte Clement, Dallas, Texas, U.S.

I celebrated my birthday by getting Korean barbecue with my family– my sister and her boyfriend– in March of 2020. Only a few days later, the order went out that everyone was to stay in their homes. I was lucky I was already staying with my family at the time, because I had just graduated from college that December and moved in with them in January. I was optimistic, even though job hunting was such an arduous, dreadful task. I thought, Surely something will come my way.

Once everyone was required to go into lockdown, I began to feel a tug at the seams of my psyche. I was alright, because I was still trying to see the best in a horrific global crisis, but I began to worry. At first, I worried about whether I could find a job. Then, I began to worry about how safe just masks and washing our hands would keep us from a disease that was tearing through the populace like an axe murderer. I told myself, We should be okay, right? After a while, I worried without reason.

The couple of months I expected to stay with my family while I got on my feet stretched indefinitely into the future. The job I managed to get at the local library settled into purgatory. I filled time with whatever could keep me occupied. My seams were bloated and frayed. I thought, I should be doing something. I was reminded of when I felt the need to keep myself busy while in college, but this time, there was nothing that could steal my attention. There was nothing to distract me from the emptiness of having nothing to do and nowhere to go. I wasn’t working or bettering myself or creating. Just filling time with things I didn’t need to care about.

My sister told me I should take it as an opportunity to learn how to rest and to embrace the silence life gives us. But the silence made my ears ring. And resting made me anxious. I wondered, What am I doing here? In the middle of a pandemic, stuck in my room, and trapped in bed, I worried about living past this. Not about how to avoid contracting a horrible disease, but how to continue on after being forced to realize my life felt unfulfilling in every way. I couldn’t stand the thought of living a life with nothing I wanted to do and nowhere I wanted to go. My seams ripped and burst open.